happiness in ourselves

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."--Agnes Repplier

Unfortunately, this is much too true, a fact I struggle with all too often. To find happiness within oneself means not blaming others for its lack. It means being truthful with myself, the kind of true that sometimes feels like a blade under the fingernail (or at least like a million little paper cuts).

I do agree that certain external things cannot and do not bring happiness--such as good looks or wealth. However, I do think that certain externalities can eliminate particular types of unhappiness. For example, if you're always scraping by, constantly worried about paying your bills and a million dollars drops in your lap, voila! You can now eliminate that worry, that stress from your existence. Likewise, if you are lonely and desolate and you suddenly find yourself in a fulfilling relationship, boom! You no longer have loneliness to contend with. Now I know this all sounds simplistic, but I happen to know where I'm coming from. I've been broke and financially burdened. I've been lonely and longing for someone. Now I am neither of those things. Is everything perfect? Of course not. Am I happier than I used to be? Well, hell YEAH!

BUT...that doesn't change the essential truth of the original quote. Actual HAPPINESS, as in the state of being, can only be found within. I believe it is a contentment, a peace, and an acceptance of who you are, who you've been and who you are working to become. I believe there are moments of joy that we sometimes mistakenly define as happiness, but they are by nature ephemeral, intense, and impossible to maintain. Joy is an emotion; happiness is a state of mind and soul. I don't think I've managed to remain rooted in happiness for too long--maybe six months at most. However, even when things are at their worst, I believe I have achieved moments of joy.

So at this point, my own goals are a bit less lofty. Instead of happiness, I'm working my way towards contentment and acceptance. I'm thinking that if I can achieve these two, I might just trick myself and stumble into happiness along the way. I'll let you know later if it's working.