reality

Here I am, about to conclude my last day of testing for the GHSGT. I probably shouldn't be doing this right now; I can't possibly pretend I'm proctoring the test if I'm cornered behind this computer screen. But still, here I am.

I keep telling myself I just have to get through this day, this week, this last yearbook push and all will be well. I'm feeling really tired. Joe's been a real pain lately. He admitted Mon. night that he had pouted all weekend, which was good (that he admitted it). We found out yesterday that we're actually getting back about $9K from taxes, instead of paying, which is amazing. Of course, he wants to take it all and spend it on the backyard. I want to take half and put it against a bill, like one of the car loans. It's always a battle with him--me wanting to make responsible financial decisions and him wanting to spend money.

Last night I went to the visitation for Betty. I still can't believe she's dead. I don't know how Mom was able to stay so composed. She's lost three best friends in her life so far, all of them dying freakishly and far too young. I don't know how I would respond. The whole thing got me thinking, about how I've been neglecting my mom, mostly, but also of all the other relationships in my life that have gotten pushed to the back burner as I struggle to deal with what's going on with me and Joe. I realized that if Mom had been the one who died, I'd be overwhelmed with guilt over how little we've spoken and connected in the last 8 months or so. I also realized I'd probably feel the same way about Kasi. I need to make some changes.

And then I started thinking about me and Joe. Things feel really wrong right now, and I can't put my finger on exactly why. Maybe he resents therapy. But it's also in me. I just am not feeling the love I used to. It's just not there. And he's not doing anything to inspire it either.