the current

I've been wasting time again. I spent way too much time yesterday tweaking a template for my diary pages--for a diary I rarely ever use. Last night ended pretty horribly. Joe and I went to bed not speaking. I hate how he does something he shouldn't and I get punished for it. He uses I'm lonely as his excuse for asking women on the internet to send him pictures. Why only women? Because I don't like men, he says. I'm really tired of the bullshit. I've had a thousand fights with him in my head since last night. In those, he has to listen. In reality, nothing ever seems to get resolved.

I wonder what I will do. Sometimes I don't even feel I know myself anymore. My life seems completely out of my conrol--I'm just swept along by the current of this family--and let me tell you, this current is ROUGH.

I've been feeling a real need to write, to design, to create something that smacks of me, that makes me feel like myself again. Still no great inspiration, though I have just begun tinkering with CSS and I think I might actually be able to use it to improve the school website at some point. It's not too complicated--a little less clear to me than basic HTML, but I think I'll get it eventually.