still trying

Once again, this will be brief. I shouldn't even be here, doing this right now. I should be upstairs, putting on my make-up, blow-drying my hair, generally getting ready for work. But here I am.

I just spent at least 15 minutes looking for incriminating evidence on J's computer. I guess what I really need to do is buy the damned spy software. I hate the idea of it. I guess I hate even more what I'm afraid I might discover. I hate the dread of opening my email every time. I hate everything about it.

And I hate that it's Monday. I don't want to go to work , don't want to face all the work I have to do and haven't yet. It all feels like too much--same old song and dance. And yet, I never seem to change my ways. If only I could be as disciplined as J. or KG, or even Kim. But I just don't seem to have it in me. Instead, I am just me, procrastinating, overwhelmed, and behind as usual. Full of excuses as to why, but no real plan to eliminate the problem, to prevent it from recurring.

10:36 PM

Once again, I can't sleep. I found another profile on J's computer, as well as a link to a web messenger page--probably Yahoo. I feel like I really need to put the spyware on his computer right away, so that I can prove to him and me that we need help, that he has a problem. I just want it to go away--I'm tired of being hurt. I find myself wanting to just do it back, only worse. I want to go fuck somebody just to hurt him, just to break through and give him a sense of how this feels. But I don't--I don't want anyone else, I just want him to hurt. Why? I keep asking myself, why me? why us? why can't I be enough? Why can't I catch a fucking break in this life?