new habits

Trying to make this a daily routine so why not start, like Julia says, with morning pages? Lots of reasons not to start there, actually, one being the ever present and haunting time factor--but I digress. What to say, what to say when there's nothing really to say. I dreamed about Frances last night--and also about yearbook. I dreamed that the school had put on quite a celebration for us and none of the yearbook staff were there to appreciate it. That must be due to the editors from last year all being MIA and unable to participate in my excitement over our great scores and great response to last year's book. On the other hand, I feel a relationship developing with A that is different from the one I shared with S. A seems eager for my input and ready to accept suggestions. I hope that we can just make it through this difficult first deadline without self-destructing.

It's Friday and I'm so very glad. I am feeling overwhelmed again--too much to do and not enough energy to do it. And really that's the problem. There is time, not a lot of it mind you, but still there's time. I just don't have the energy. I can't make myself stay awake, stay alert to get the job done. I don't know what to do about it. I'm going to bed earlier and earlier, and yet, I'm still exhausted. I haven't been walking this week--it's been such a crazed schedule, I just haven't been able to find the time or, once again, the energy.

I feel like I've barely seen J for the last 2 days. We spent about 20 minutes on the deck last night, happy hour as he called it, before we went in to H and dinner. That's about the total of our time together. I was asleep before 9:00--as soon as Friends ended. If I felt anything other than just tired I'd think it was mono. Maybe it's just some weird form of depression--I've certainly had my share of things to deal with this week. I don't really know what's going to happen with me and J. I want to hold onto that dream of a future with him, but I'm scared. I'm scared that he has problems we've only scratched the surface of. The only encouraging thing about our talk the other night was that I felt like, for the first time, he let down his guard and was vulnerable to me, instead of adopting that cocky, "You can't hurt me" armor that makes me crazy.

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