a broken record

I've had an off and on diary at deardiary.net for a few years now. I've never been really consistent about writing in it, preferring my pretty bound notebooks for some reason (can't really say why since I don't write in them that much anymore either). But the banners bug me, the overall junky look of the pages bug me, and so I thought I would give this site another try (not quite sure why I stopped using it in favor of the other the first time--but perhaps a few days here will help me to remember).

I'm feeling a need to vent and have no one to vent to. I feel trapped in this marriage, a marriage of only 15 weeks with stepchildren from hell and a husband who seems determined to do the one thing that will most definitely drive me away for good.

So why here and not my journal? Because I feel sure that he has or will read my journal, because I'm not good at hiding it. Because he'll never guess my password or my login because I'll never give them out and I have more than just 2 like he does. Because I need to be able to say the things I feel guilty about thinking and saying--I need to work things out in my head and maybe my writing is the place to do that. I find myself wanting to scream scream scream at him and yet I know that in the end I would get absolutely no satisfaction from it because he won't react, won't respond, won't period. He'll get that stony face that keeps him from feeling anything, that means he has shut down from the inside.

I want this marriage to work. I don't want anyone else. But I can't do it by myself. I find myself wondering if I could be more accepting of his "online infidelities" if I had some of my own. Problem is, I don't want any. Is there a little excitement at the thought of it? So little it doesn't even feel worth the effort to explore the possibility. I know that what little thrill there would be would be overshadowed by the guilt and the sleaziness of it all.

I hate not trusting him. I hate that he's not trustworthy. I hate that he can shrug his shoulders and act like what he's done is no big deal, is just bullshit as he puts it. I don't think it's bullshit to exchange sexually explicit IM's with someone other than your spouse. I don't think it's bullshit to have spoken on the phone with this person (and probably more than just this person). I don't think it's bullshit to discount the feelings of the woman you say you love. He offers the possibility of counseling, but offers it like "if you really must, but it's totally unnecessary and silly." So I feel forced not to push the issue. But I feel like I need it; I feel like he needs it; I feel like we need it. And yet I fear it. I fear his emotional shutdown. I fear our relationship spiraling even farther down. I fear it all.

Bottom line, I fear that he has the mentality of a cheater. That he is destined to cheat on me, regardless of his love for me. That he can't help himself. I'm not making excuses for him, mind you. I know that he CAN help himself, but I find myself wondering what it is in him that drives him to this behavior. I know that it's not me. We have an active fulfilling sex life. We are affectionate and enjoy spending lots of time together. He KNOWS that I love him. I wonder sometimes if these little exploits are his way of testing me--how much will I take before I leave? And I wonder that myself--how much WILL I take before I leave? Right now, I'm mired in the hurt of it. Leaving seems impossible. But I know that it's not. I know that, eventually, he will wear away at what love I have for him and then it may be too late. So what is the right thing to do? Does counseling really work if he doesn't want to go? If he refuses to see we have a problem, can we solve it?