another day

What a difference a day can make. Monday was my birthday, one of the best ones I've ever had. J arranged everything--my family and Jane and M. met at Fuzzy's to see Francine Reed and he even arranged for me to sing with her, which was exciting and terrifying all at the same time. She even sent me a cognac after the song. And he gave me a card that looked like he'd actually thought it through--my first card from him with "wife" on it. I was so happy.

Then we have yesterday, which I don't even want to go into again. Last night, just before bed, he started pulling his usual dick-like routine of copping out and going to sleep when I am upset and need to talk. And then he had the nerve to say, "I never promised not to instant message." I laid there crying while he held me and tried to sleep. Finally, I got up, and came downstairs. I got on his computer and started searching. I deleted key files I think he needs in order for Y Messenger to work. Then I heard him on the stairs.

I quickly shifted to my office. He came in and sat down. And we talked. I told him, in no uncertain terms that I would leave. And I told him that I thought the promise that counted was the "love, honor, and cherish" one and that none of this shit felt very loving, honoring or cherishing. He agreed. He promised once again never to do it again. I asked him what was different this time from the time before. And he said, "Because I get it now." He said he understood how I felt now and that he could stop.

I'm not sure. I think he wants to, but I don't know if he can. I feel like I need to put spyware on his computer, just to make sure. Eblaster is only $100. I don't want to catch him again--but what if I do?

After, we went upstairs and he held me and caressed me. Eventually, we made love. Afterwards, he thanked me, saying, "Thanks for making up with me." It seemed so strange.

I love him so much. I don't want to go through this again, to be hurt again.