dr. phil-part one

What I do know is that I have a lot of anger. I guess part of that anger may still stem from Chuck's death--maybe I'm still dealing with the fact that I never got to express some of it towards him, that he died before we had reached a resolution. I thought I was over it honestly, and when I think of him now, I don't really feel angry. But maybe I am. And maybe I'm just angry at being abandoned by him, by the way his love, the love that was supposed to make me believe, that was supposed to be undying, did seem to start slipping away even before his death.

I guess I'm also angry at Joe and the fact that I don't feel like he values me. At least not as much as he values Hayden. And I know that it's not right or fair to compare his feelings for the two of us, but still, I do. Why does he never seem to miss me? Why does he never seem to make excuses for me, to try so very hard to placate my pouting? It just pisses me off. And I guess the other thing that pisses me off is that he seems to be sitting in judgment of me, as though nothing I do is quite good enough. I'm not a good enough stepmom, not a good enough teacher, not a good enough wife--I just never seem to measure up.

Finally, I think I must be angry with myself. I know that I, too, am judgmental. I wish I weren't. Sometimes I hear the things I'm saying and wish I hadn't said them, or at least not in that particular way.